Chapter 5

Family and Marriage

Muslim Perspective

Marriage and family are among the most important social structures that every one of us is inevitably attached to. The health of a family established by a legitimate marriage is the foundation stones of a healthy society. Islam therefore pays a great deal of attention to family, marriage and relationships within families. In doing so it seeks to protect the rights and freedoms of all participants, especially the rights and freedoms of women.

In this session, we will look at a Muslim family and how Islam views internal familial relationships; how marriage takes place; the reality of divorce and women's rights in divorce, and the issue of polygamy within a Muslim society.

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The Muslim Family

Humans are social beings. Our Creator has designed us with social dependencies so that we seek and find social relations. Our social ties make life easier to live, give security in our day-to-day life and, more importantly, makes life an enjoyable experience. We cannot even imagine Paradise without the other people that we know and love. Therefore the healthier social ties a person has, the more benefits he or she receives. The benefits are naturally counterbalanced by social responsibilities.

A distinguishing feature of Islam is that from whatever angle one regards relationships within the family, Islam makes a person feel good about the natural familial role each of us play. Islam especially stresses places special emphasis on the innate worth of usually under-valued family members such as daughters, wives and mothers.

In addition to each of us being a member of a common human family, Islam emphasises four different social groupings to which we belong:

  1. Muslim Brotherhood: All Muslims belong to the worldwide community of believers. The absolute equality of Muslims irrespective of race, colour, culture and nationality is accepted and practised by Muslims. The stronger a person's faith, the stronger he or she feels the bond of this brotherhood.
  2. Extended Family Relations: Islam fosters continued attachment to the extended family including cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents and so on.
  3. Immediate Family Kinship: The smallest social unit of a community is the family that is usually made up of a couple and their children. Immediate family relationships have the utmost importance and the strongest of kinship ties.
  4. Marital Relations: The kernel of a family is the healthy bond of a married couple. In Islam, the only wholesome framework for sexual relations and the rearing of children is marriage established by a man and a woman. Private sexual relationships or "living together" with a partner etc. does not constitute a healthy family.

In this way the family is built on a solid ground and surrounded by protective and supportive layers. The Qur'an summarises all four social layers in the verse, "O mankind! Revere your Guardian-Lord, who created you from a single human self (nafsin wahidatin) and created from it (the same essence), her partner. And from them twain scattered countless men and women. Revere God, through whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (revere) the wombs (that bore you), for God ever watches over you." (Qur'an, 4:1). The word 'zawj' (partner) in this verse is interpreted as being a partner in marriage. The verse also reminds both genders that they are each created from the same human essence and men and women should, therefore, respect each other's rights. The Holy Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said: "Marriage is my example (Sunnah); who so violates my Sunnah is not one among us". Islam goes a step further in its sanctification of the family unit by defining time spent with family members as holy and another form of worship (ibadah). In the words of the Holy Prophet Muhammad even the sexual relations of lawfully married couple becomes an act of worship.

The central relationship in a family is how men and women relate to each other and their respective roles. The general spirit of the Qur'an is that men and women should not compete for supremacy, but work to compensate for each other's limitations and weaknesses, because, "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Qur'an, 2:187). The choice of the word "garment" in this verse is appropriately significant. The Qur'an, in verse 9:71, says that, "the believers, men and women, are protectors one of another." While the nature of protection may be different, the role of being a protector is reciprocal. Men and women also fulfil each other's need for compassion and love (Qur'an, 30:21). Therefore, neither sex has an important disadvantage or advantage over the other. Each gender has strengths and weaknesses. Only the communion of the two produces integrated human experience in a family.

Just as men do, women also have natural roles to play in a family. The roles of men include being a husband, father, son or brother, while the roles women include being a wife, mother, daughter or sister. The objective importance of a role given in a society determines the subjective feeling of satisfaction a person gets in that role. Islam gives great impartance to the role of motherhood for example. It does so to give self-assurance that motherhood is not a punishment or disadvantage but a highly regarded role in the sight of God. Of the women mentioned in the Qur'an, the mother of Moses, and Mary, the mother of Jesus, are particularly highlighted. The Prophet Muhammad said: "Heaven is under the feet of mothers". When a person asked whom should he serve first, three times the Prophet told him to serve his mother. Only on the fourth occasion did he mention serving his father. The winner of the 1973 Pulitzer award, the child psychiatrist Robert Coles, says: "Many working class women kept telling me that they work because they must—to stay afloat financially—but that they would very much prefer to stay at home and be with their children"1. By highlighting the importance and the high status of motherhood as well as giving financial responsibility for the family to men, Islam prevents the current unsatisfactory situation that women find themselves in contemporary society.

The Qur'an clearly states that women are not to have a place lower than men in a society or within the confines of the home or in marriage: "... And for women are rights over men, similar to those of men over women ..." (Qur'an, 2:26). This goes for leadership as well. The Holy Prophet Muhammad declared that every person is a leader. While a man is the leader of the family, a woman is the leader of the household. The leadership role is a responsibility rather than a privilege. Consequently, it is the husband's duty to support his wife, family and dependent parents and provide security for the whole family. On the other hand, the wife is under no obligation to work but she can if she chooses to. While the wife has the right to retain her own maiden name as well as owning, inheriting and using her assets as she pleases, she is also responsible for the well-being and the health of the household.

Parents have a unique place in Islam. After a lifelong struggle to raise and support the family, parents deserve to receive respect and compassion in the old age when they are in most need. The Qur'an declares: "Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, don't even say to them 'off' (a word of contempt), nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: 'My Lord! Bestow on them the Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.' " (Qur'an, 17:23-24).

Notice how the Qur'an reminds the reader how they were looked after by his or her parents and asks us all not to show slightest sign of contempt towards our parents. In Islam, rebellion towards parents is a major sin. Conversely, the good treatment of parents is one of the most righteous acts. Once a companion of the Holy Prophet Muhammad, Ibn Masud, asked the Prophet which human action was the most favourably considered at the court of God. The Prophet answered: "Performing the salat (prescribed prayer) on time". When Ibn Mesud asked what was next, the Prophet said: "good treatment of parents". As a result of these teachings, the elderly in Muslim societies have always enjoyed good treatment and nursing homes were fortunately unheard of.

The good treatment a person receives is not dependent on the religious and spiritual status of parents. The Holy Prophet advised us to be kind to our parents no matter what their religion is. As related in a narrative from Asma Bint Abu Bakr, she said: "My mother came to Medina from Mecca to see me, while she was still an unbeliever. She had come to demand something from me. I inquired from the Holy Prophet: 'My mother has come to see me and she is expecting something from me. May I oblige her?' The Prophet said, 'Yes! Be kind to your mother'".

In return for the respect and the good treatment they receive from their children, parents are to accept their child as gifts from God and not to prefer one gender above the other. The Holy Prophet Muhammad stated that "Whoever raises two girls till they attain maturity, he and I will come on the Resurrection day like this (and he joined his two fingers)".

The parents are required to give a good name to their children and educate them as righteous and productive members of society. The Prophet has said: "When a person dies all his actions come to an end expect three things: a continuous charity, knowledge from which people benefit and a righteous child who prays for them." Muslims therefore believe that all the good that their children do is recorded in the parent's record of deeds as well as in the records of the children themselves.

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Marriage and Divorce

Although the way a marriage is carried out has many cultural variants throughout the vast Muslim world from Indonesia to North America, essentially a marriage must satisfy the following Islamic requirements. The marriage is not valid if any one of these requirements is missing:

  • Each one of the couple must be willing to take part in marriage out of his or her free-choice.
  • A marriage contract comprising certain conditions and mahr (dowry—usually in the form of money or another asset) is entered into in front of at least two witnesses.
  • The marriage is announced to the community.

Since Islam does not sanction the Western custom of dating, or courtship, it is common for future spouses to be introduced by parents or by friends. This introduction may occur in a myriad of ways. It is more common today for a couple to meet at a particular social occasion themselves and seek to get to know one another through friends and relatives.

There is a perception that in Muslim countries women have no rights in marriage and that they are often forced into a marriage with an unwanted man and that the cause of this is Islam's segregation of women. The truth of the matter is that, in Islam, a woman has the right to choose her partner or decline a proposal for marriage. The Holy Prophet Muhammad stated: "...The woman shall not be married until her consent is obtained." Another statement attributed to the Prophet is: "... When a man gives his daughter in marriage and she dislikes it, the marriage shall be renounced ..." He also invalidated a marriage upon the complaint of a woman that her father had forced her into marriage. Clearly, forced marriages are outlawed in Islam.

Nevertheless, in some Muslim countries, as in some non-Muslim countries, a woman's father or male relative may force her to get married to a man that she does not want to marry. The parties that force a woman into marriage are obviously not following the teachings of Islam. This is simply because of their lack of religious practice and knowledge. Arranged marriages are neither part of Islam, nor does Islam strictly require them. Just like in many cultures, arranged marriages arise out of the practical need to facilitate the meeting of a couple for the purpose of marriage. Since Islam does not sanction the Western custom of dating and courtship, it is common for future spouses to be introduced by parents or friends.

Although the practicalities surrounding the act of marriage may vary from culture to culture and according to the influence of Westernisation in Muslim countries, there are nonetheless a number of important elements in relation to how marriage occurs in a Muslim society.

The first step is that the prospective couple has to meet one another and discuss marriage with the supervision of a trusted person. At no time, should the couple be alone in private or public. The third person who is usually a guardian from the woman's side, undertakes to end the talks if the woman decides to have no more contact with the man. The guardian is there basically to protect the woman's interests and the well-being. This is the deciding moment for both. The Prophet said that when people choose marriage partners, they either look for good-looks or wealth or social status or good character. He recommended choosing a partner who is righteous and of good character. The introduction phase can last for as long as the couple wishes in order to get to know one another. There is no responsibility on either if they decide to end the relationship.

If the couple decides to get married, the family of the man makes a proposal to the guardian of the woman. This step can also vary between cultures. The key factor here is that families are involved at this point to ensure the protection of the woman. The freely given consent of both the future husband and wife is essential.

If both participants give their consent, the engagement period commences. The period of engagement is flexible and can be a few weeks to a few years. During this period, the future couple gets to know one another better and make the arrangements for the marriage ceremony. Love usually develops in this period and after the consummation of marriage, the couple gets to know one another intimately. Islam does not condone the idea of "trying out the person" before marriage. Break ups could also occur if the couple notices serious incompatibility during the engagement period.

The final step is the wedding ceremony where the couple is married usually by an imam or official where the couple professes their commitment to the marriage in front of at least two witnesses. The wedding ceremony does not have to be performed in a mosque. A marriage contract is also signed where the bride sets the mahr. Mahr serves to act as an insurance policy for the bride if the marriage ends after a short time. The wedding includes a reception where the marriage is announced to the community and celebrated by family and friends. The reception may take place immediately after taking the wedding vows or some weeks later depending on individual circumstances. The marriage does not proceed unless both sides agree to the terms of the contract.

The most colourful aspect of the marriage is the reception or the public announcement. This is where most of the cultural elements take over, as Islam does not stipulate a fixed way of celebrating at a reception. It usually involves a feast sponsored by the families and entertainment for men and woman in separate quarters.

Centuries of this practice have been very successful, as the divorce rates have been very low in Muslim societies. Even today, divorce rates in Muslim countries are much lower than that of many Western countries.

While Islam encourages men and women to get married in order to form families, it also recognises that people may no longer be compatible in time or have irreconcilable differences. The Qur'an persuades men and women to think twice about divorce and even use third party mediators to reconcile differences. Although divorce is said to be "the least liked of all lawful things by God" in Islam, Islamic law (Shariah) allows it to proceed regardless of who instigates it. Just like marriage, divorce also occurs by taking a certain vow of separation and making a public announcement that the couple is no longer married. Contrary to the popular myth divorce in Islam is not controlled by the simple verbal pronouncements of men. Both parties can initiate divorce. The divorce process is simple. Why should it be bitter and involve expensive proceedings that take their emotional, physical and financial toll on everybody?

Divorce at the instigation of the men is called talaq. In this case, the man announces to his wife a statement such as "I divorce you" three times to indicate talaq. This pronouncement kicks off the first phase of the divorce process. At this point, all sexual activity stops between the couple for a cooling-off period of three menstruation cycles known as 'iddah. The Qur'an states: "... The divorced woman shall wait concerning themselves for three monthly periods". During this period, the man must pay the bills for the woman and not to abuse her emotionally. If the woman is found to be pregnant, then there is a very good reason to rethink the divorce. Also in case of divorce being final, the parentage of the child will be known. If the couple has sexual relations during the iddah period, the divorce process stops and marriage continues as before. If the iddah period expires and they want to stay married, the man must propose and another wedding must take place. In order to give a strong message to the man to think twice before taking a divorce initiative, this process of talaq can only be repeated three times. After the third time, he cannot remarry her unless she is legitimately married to someone else and then divorced. Since this is unacceptable to any man, it serves as a real deterrent.

Divorce at the instigation of the woman is called khul. A woman may ask for a divorce if there is sufficient reason for it. The Qur'an states, "... If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best ..." If a woman divorces her husband, she is required to return all or part of the mahr or dowry given to her as a gift on the occasion of her marriage. This is not required if the husband initiates the divorce. The Qur'an encourages men to donate the dowry in any case.

Maintenance (nafaqah) is another right belonging to the wife, given to her in marriage and extended in the event of divorce. This includes the right to food, clothing and residence, essential services and medicine, even in the event that the wife is a wealthy woman in her own right. The Qur'an outlines the responsibility of the man in providing maintenance in the case of divorce: "...Let the woman live in 'iddah in the same style as you live, according to your means: Trouble them not so that you make things difficult for them."

The mother automatically gets the custody of children as Islam recognises small children's greater emotional attachment to their mothers. After the age of 7 for boys and age of puberty for girls, the father can file for the custody of his children. The court decides who is the most suitable guardian for the children at this point.

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Polygamy

When Islam first appeared in the 7th century (610 CE), it effected improvements and changes in individual and social life through bringing in new laws and prohibiting or regulating the existing ones. The practice of regulated polygamy falls into the regulation category. Islam did not invent polygamy, but has regulated it. Before Islam, a man could marry as many women as he wanted or could afford to. Islam put a limit on the number of woman that a man can marry with some tough conditions.

The verse that allows Muslim men to marry more than one woman is as follows. "Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one." (Qur'an, 4:3). While allowing marriage up to 4 wives, this verse discourages man from practising polygamy by requiring that men satisfy the tough condition of achieving justice between his wives thereby actually encourages marrying only one. Being just between wives means justice and equality in the provision of food, accommodation, clothing and time spent with each of a man's wives. The consequence of this is that a man with four wives must provide four houses and must sleep in a different house every night, returning to the same house less than twice a week. He must provide food and clothing equally between each of his wives and enjoy their company equally even though one may be 20 years old and one 40. This is a very tough lifestyle to live for any man. As a result, the great majority (about 99%) of Muslim men have only one wife. This fact is true for all Muslim countries, with only slight difference in the marginal rate. This large percentage of monogamy has been more or less maintained throughout the history of Islam. According to a survey conducted in the Ottoman archives, the percentage of men married to only one wife never fell below 92%. That is, only 8% of the total male population married more than one wife.

Sometimes polygamy becomes a practical solution to serious social problems. Throughout history, and even today in developing and third-world countries, women have depended on men's economic support. Some women may not be able to bear children. In such cases, if the husband wants to have children, he may marry again instead of divorcing his first wife. A "barren" woman may find it hard to marry again if this weren't permissible. Moreover, after wars, there is usually a shortage of young men. To maintain social stability in such instances, some men should be allowed to marry more than once. For example, after World War I, the famous writer Victor Marqueritte, after the decrease in the male population of France, said: "18 million European women have been the victim of the system of living as a widower because of the death of their partners. As a result, they are condemned to misery, economically and morally". Bearing in mind that only in the last few decades did women gain economic independence and this occurred primarily in Western countries. Ultimately, regulated polygamy ensures economic security of marginalised women.

In essence, Islam regulated the uncontrolled practice of polygamy and laid some tough conditions for people who choose to enter such relationships. This has greatly reduced its occurrence and polygamy became the exception rather than the rule. Islam has not abolished the practice, as this could lead to social evils of adultery, prostitution and the economic alienation of women. It should be stressed that this is an allowance, not a regular practice. This practice is designed to allow women, generally those that are barren, widowed, or where there are not enough unmarried men, to enjoy a married life where it would not be possible if monogamy was the rule.

In Islam, a healthy family and marriage have the utmost importance in establishing a society with strong social relationships. This is because through civil society an individual's happiness and social development is facilitated. In achieving this goal Islam reinforces the natural relationships that exist in any family unit and gives reciprocal responsibilities to create shared benefits. Islam also seeks to protect those who are often abused within the family structure. Historically, and even today, Muslim societies have, in comparison to many other societies, realised these ideals. It is the great society that was the outcome of implementing these fundamental Islamic principles that led H.G. Wells to say in his book "The Outline of History":

"Islam has created a society more free from widespread cruelty and social oppression than any other society had ever been in the world before."

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Footnotes

  1. Harvard Business Review, "The Inner Life of Executive Kids", Nov 2001.